Emotions astir..

AND THE SHOT SHOOK THE EARTH, SHOOK IT TO HELL

My worst fears have come true. He left. I don't know where he is or why he's there or when [or if] he is coming back, all I know is that he is gone. Gone from me, gone from this place, maybe forever. He tried to tell me, I know he did! He almost left a while ago, knew I'd try to make him stay. Gone without a goodbye, nothing. Two and a half years of everything I've ever felt in my life gone down the drain. My heart is fucking sinking lower than I thought possible. He would never leave! He always said he would always stick around, no where better to go and he cared about me enough to stay. But I pushed him away, he thought that because I'm in love with someone else that there was no more left of me to care for him. I do! So much, God so much. Always threatening to dissapear, but never doing so, always holding on by a thread and now look. The thread breaks loose, he breaks loose, God knows right now I am breaking loose. I never thought I would have to deal with him being out of my life and I am so worried sick. Where is he? Is he on the street? Does he have enough money? Is he alive! Is he on drugs?? I have no idea what is going on and it is killing me. Violently shaking and it will not stop. The world has stopped. Someone walked out of my life, ceased to exist. How do you fucking deal with that.. I need some time to think..

Remember, ALCOHOL IS A DRUG, kids..

I'm in a bit of a bad mood. My aura's all fucked up! See, according to my BOYFRIEND I am a "raging alcoholic". I find this night exceptionally ironic being that he is out getting intoxicated right now. Ha, and IM NOT. But hey, I'm a raging alcoholic. Bullshit. So I enjoy the occasional drink, I've gotten shitty a few times. SO WHAT? Everyone has, it does not mean they are fucking alcoholics running around screaming "I'll suck your dick for a shot" --which, by the way, he actually SAID TO ME, afterwards saying he was joking of course. Relationships are such a drag sometimes. I mean, you think you love the person entirely, unconditionally, and then they do certain things that just get you raging--alcoholism that is :). Fuck it, I can't put my thougts together right now, I'll write more in a minute or two.

THIS ONE'S ABOUT KEEPING SECRETS!!

Yeah, everyone's been really secretive lately. It's really begginning to get on my nerves. Like EVERYONE. Even that little boyfriend of mine. He's terrific, I suppose but sometimes I get the feeling he keeps so many things from me. Oh, OH and the thing I hate even more than that is when people try to look down on me. Oh God, I can't stand that garbage. You know, people speak to you like you're some moronic fool that won't understand them. I just want to hit those people in the face. Like they're better than me, ugh. Anyway, yeah so I feel so confused all the time. I've got so much hate in this little body of mine and I don't know how to deal, man. I'll feel one way about something, and then not a few minutes later feel a little different about it. Maybe my life is just moving too fast right now. Perhaps I should slow down a bit, look at things one task at a time.

New topic. A while back I read the book "Go Ask Alice". Anyway there's a portion in the book where she says:
"After you've had it, there isen't even life without drugs...."
At the time that I read this, I thought this girl silly for even half-way thinking such a thing. Drugs don't make everything better like she had thought. Well, shit. Now that I've tried a few, my god. It's like you feen for them, because you feel like you can't be happy or feel free without them. That's probably the reasoning for drug addicts being--stereotypically-- depressed all the time[aside from their drug-use time]. I hope I never get in that deep, that would be a sad sad way to go..

Here we go again. Confusion has struck and there's no turning back! Or is there? No, I don't think there is. There I went trusting again. It seems everytime I let myself trust someone--one specific person in particular--it is spat into my face. As you can tell, I was quite hysterical in my last entry. You see, I thought someone I love, one of my dearest friends, was going to move away and not ever look back and not ever want to see me again. But after that night, he has shown no sign of leaving or even wanting to leave. So that leaves me strothinking: is this some horrible form of an attempt to get me back in that not-so long ago romantic state of relationship we once were in? I terribly hope this is not the case, that would fill me with doubt of our friendship and leave me questioning him--aswell as myself-- as a person. But, hey, I guess love is a real cut-throat business. People will lie, cheat, steal, anything, anything for love. So I cannot blame him--if this is the case. For I feel very strongly about romance and love and I know how hard it is to watch someone that you want to be your one and only be someone else's one and only. I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional right now. The song says "Breath in for luck" and so I try. But this is a difficult task being that I haven't eaten in days and it is hard to breath--even if it is for luck. I just can't help thinking that everything is wrong. I mean, yeah, I have people that like me and someone who loves me and who I deeply care about but, life just seems so empty, so routine. Everyday we go to a friends' house, sit on the couch, or sit on the back porch and talk about how bored we are. It's nice to have people to talk to and express opinions with, I'm just so damn bored. And a friend of mine has been gone for almost a month and I miss him so much. It's insane how people that you could never picture leaving up and just..LEAVE. Unreal. Sigh, and I'm spent. Good day.

Sobs stain the walls in this no longer lightened room. I have lost my hope. All of him. He is running from me and his problems here and his whole past he wants nothing of his former life. When people walk out of your life the regret seeps in faster, pain more than any stinging pounding clenching of this earth. Someone that means so much to you you would walk every mile there was to see them one more time before they left you in the cold while you selfishly wish they would return so YOU could be happy. So I can be happy. I am wrong to tell him to stay, for I know there is a better life waiting for him astray from me and everything in this place. I know he is unhappy here and perhaps it is my fault, perhaps it is not but whatever the case I know I will be miserable. Misery so deep beyond these meaningless words spilling out of my head. This is the most difficult thing, trying to collect my idiotic thoughts right now. Trying to scrounge up enough courage to tell a person you love with all your heart and soul that it's okay and you understand why they have to go and that it's for the best. The right things to say. The things Iknow he expects but pray to God I don't say them when we both know I have to. I wonder if he is as upset and I am right now. Because I can barely breath and I doubt I will be able to function knowing that he is not just a mile away anymore, that I can't just hop in the car and go for a visit or spend the whole day at the lake or just chill in my front lawn all those times have rolled down to this. Everything fades away and everyone must leave sooner or later. If it is not you that leaves it is the people you love. It is the never-ending cycle that haunts us yet keeps our sick little world moving.

Well, my sick little world stopped moving. I am at a loss of words and fury is raging. I don't know whether to be sad or mad or happy for him--impossible. I think my head will burst. Too much pressure. I feel dizzy and he is one of the only things that keeps me balanced. Lose your balance, you lose everything, you FALL. I have fallen, and it is uncertain when [if] I shall rise.

The Best Friend I Ever Had.

I'm so angry I could scream. Not neccessarily that that would be a negative thing, for no one is here and I am all alone. I feel even more alone, though. Not the kind of alone where you are by yourself. The kind of alone where you know something either horrible or beautiful is going on and you'd do just about anything to get away from your own silence and be apart of it. I hate steriotypes. I hate them. I mean, how when you're in a relationship you are owned? You cannot do anything without confirming it with your "other half". When you think about that it seems so childish and idiotic, yet we're supposed to wait 'till we're older to have relationships? Mind boggling. Anyway, stupid tangents, I also hate that I am a hypocrite. I realise that everyone has been one a time or two, but I am the absolute tops. I hate judgements passed on appearance, yet I do it all the time. I despise jealousy yet I am one of the most jealous people I know! This is a problem I have been battling within myself for a while now. Hypocricy is a bitch, especially when you come to the realization that you are infected--being the disease that it is-- with it.

Today started out terrific. One of those days/nights--mostly the night part-- where you feel infinite in your youth and you wish to never leave that moment. You know, the music's just right, the people are just right, there's a hot breeze in the air that under no other circumstance would you enjoy but for some reason you do. Oh, you do. You don't even need a purpose or a plan, the spontaneity of it all chills your bones and raging blood in your vains. That is what I love about summer nights at the lake. You're sitting there with complete strangers--give or take a friend, maybe two-- somehow content in their presence and there's that split second where you almost snap back to reality and think "Why am I here with these people? Don't we have better things to do than reside among these people?" Then someone laughs or leaps into the water and you lose you're train of thought and love every inch of it. One of those feelings where you want to do something even more impetuous, jumping off of high cliffs usually satisfies this desire.

So perhaps I have embellished the lake-life. Perhaps I have over-done myself and no one really thinks that way. But for some odd reason, I don't think so. I think everyone has the ability to feel love and beauty. Anyone can look at a sky full of the brightest of stars and feel warmth and hope. This is my escape. Experiencing paradise in mundane places and telling the tale...

I find myself jealous of my own dreams. I want to have wings and fly to wherever I want and be truly free. I really do..